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CALM DOWN

fit to burst. i won't be here by friday if i don't reign it in. i'm also wildly unproductive and scattered in my thinking. i put up an untouched video of myself and my dog in my kitchen after rolling out of bed. my sister tried to flag this. i was blind. but NOW i see. of course. too late mind.

yesterday i turned a corner. i've turned a few you might say. but i'm not back where i started. i'm climbing and turning. helterskelteresque. turning corners brings with it new aspects and i'm welcoming them. unheard of in a former life. after dropping my daughter to a friend in dublin, i could finally relax into work and focus. guilt about not being present is exhausting and twice the slog. with wee one happy out in dundrum i was free to go run a couple of errands, one of which was the highlight of my day. i had gotten a message from an old school friend julie. her family run a pub in duleek called the tollstone. in 3rd year julie and i used mitch off school. we would hitch right outside the school gates on the kentstown road in our uniforms. brazen. back at her house we would eat cheese sandwiches with brown sauce, king crisps, dairy milk and drink cans of club orange. she had this stuff on tap which used to blow my mind. yesterday i was to call to the pub to collect an envelope with cash from her brother simon. so kind. i was then brought behind the bar and into the house where her mam patsy stuffed another note into my pocket. i had to turn down every genuine offering of sustenance and with an envelope in one hand and a galaxy bar in the other i floated home. i hadn't seen these people in an age, julie has been living in canada nearly five years and we don't get to see each other any more. but it felt like coming home. and i felt safe. safe in the knowledge that people are good. it's enough to make anyone climb a mountain.

over the 5K mark and it feels like i've reached my target. these highs are addictive i know. i'm like a maniac with social media and checking my total. looking for a fix. most likely the reason i've avoided diving in all these years. my wise self. i'm ready to heave/haul to the bitter end. but there's nothing bitter about it.

day five we walk from edenderry to tullamore. 20 miles of towpath. that's all i know. 

welcome new unknown aspect. welcome.

Siún O Connor