filmmaker

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JANUS

this is a wild process. sticking ones head above the parapet can invite indescriminate decapatation. stay low. despite all of my anxieties however, i still have my head and i'm actually letting myself get a little excited about what's happening. i've got four days to raise four and a half grand and there's nowhere i'd rather be.

i've stopped fixating on the target and am taking stock of the warmth and generosity that i've been met with. i realise that most people really do want to see others succeed and it fills my heart. i currently have 63 backers. that's just outrageous. i'm resigned to the fact that either way, this is and has been an incredible experience from which i will take so much. i've had to push myself to do things i would ordinarily have shyed away from or made excuses to avoid. AND constructed an entire framework around justifying my excuses or avoidance. stick your neck out, be uncomfortable, ask for help, show your weaknesses and face the fact that there really is nowhere to hide when you're out on your own. i'm taking responsibility. this is me.

for all of this i am glad. i think i'm finally growing, along with my newly planted aubergines, sprouts and cauliflour.

as i type, my daughter is crying at the kitchen sink. i've told her she can have one hour gaming on animal jam in trade for washing the dishes from four meals. it was a higgledy piggledy weekend. i'm feeling guilty that i don't have anything lined up for her first week of easter holidays except for watching me swing from my highs to my lows. this could be likened to something at alton towers in a way. she's one lucky girl. so far i've used her handsome face to help boost my campaign online, i've dragged her around with me as a buffer as i beg for window space in shop fronts and i'm generally ignoring her needs as i type ferociously at the kitchen table. one simply can't have everything.

day four we walk from leinster bridge to edenderry and this will be the first night i stay away from home. we're lodging in tullamore for a few days and for some ridiculous reason i feel that this is when i will realise i'm making a film and there's no going back. it may not be entirely clear to anyone who doesn't know me why the option to wriggle out of something or change my mind is so important to me. just the option that is. people who know me all my life mightn't even understand. even though i haven't dropped out of anything i've started since i walked out of my diploma in theatre studies a week before my final exams when i was 18 years old, i have an irrational fear that i'm going to back out of something unbeknownst to myself. be it good old fashioned head-spinning posession or that i simply take leave of my senses, my fear is that i'll want out and will sabotage all my hard work to do so. i'm nearly certain this will not make sense to most. but this configuration of words might reach even one kindred spirit. do get in touch. we can exorcise the demons and move forward on our own.

Siún O Connor